![]() They are also less likely to report depression and anxiety, and less likely to engage in antisocial behavior like delinquency and drug use. This approach is common in educated, middle class families, and linked with superior child outcomes throughout the world.įor example, kids raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become independent, self-reliant, socially accepted, academically successful, and well-behaved. They avoid resorting to threats or punishments. Parents use positive reinforcement and reasoning to guide children. The authoritative parenting style is an approach to child-rearing that combines warmth, sensitivity, and the setting of limits. But parents need to do this with an enormous amount of kindness and with limitless emotional connection.© 2010 – 2023 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all rights reserved Quite the contrary! Children absolutely need parents to draw boundaries and hold developmentally-informed expectations. This does not mean parenting in an overly permissive way. Then revisit what happened, move quickly to providing an expectation for next time-and move on. Once your child has steadied herself, find a way to have a moment of “togetherness” over a favorite toy or activity. Children become more capable of controlling their behaviors through consistent experiences of being calmed by their caring adults. What this empathetic response does is reinforce the neurons in the child’s brain that are related to self-control and regulation. Do whatever you can to surround the child who is acting out with your care and connection. Turn the stove off, or pull the car over to the side of the road, if you have to. This might seem counterintuitive, and can be challenging when you’re juggling multiple tasks or have more than one child, but don’t let a sense of urgency crowd out what’s most important – your child’s healthy development. Prompt a shift in behavior by firmly but kindly saying something like, “that needs to stop,” saving any explanations for “why” until the child has settled. These include responding calmly with care and connection by crouching down to their level, making eye contact and using a sympathetic tone of voice. ![]() In Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, I discuss nine ways to navigate challenging behaviors with your child. So when a child misbehaves, parents need to respond with compassion, knowing that underneath the behavior is what psychologists call a disregulated brain that requires the support of a caring adult in order to be calmed. Rather than being a conscious decision to push people’s buttons, their behaviors are really just getting their needs across to their adults. When children are overwhelmed they are naturally equipped to let their adults know. To move away from this damaging form of discipline towards something more scientifically and developmentally ideal, adults need to start considering behavior as an expression of a need. The time-out uses the child’s deep need for connection to extract the desired behavior. Unfortunately, children do not learn to self-regulate through the punishing impact of time-out – they are simply frightened into compliance. Time-outs have been widely embraced as one of these strategies because they appear to work – the behavior stops. And so, they concoct strategies to maneuver the child into behaving “appropriately,” hoping that the lesson will stick. But they also hope to help them grow into adults who can handle life’s frustrations and bounce back with resilience. Parents in this situation want their child to settle down as quickly as possible.
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